I was breaking necks and cashing checks…

..to please my ego, and be a good girl for corporate Daddy, until I couldn’t anymore.

I spent 12 years as one of the top producing sales reps in North America – and in corporate, numbers don’t lie. The pat on the head I wanted was always one big sale away.

My commissions allowed me to live however I wanted to – travel the world, stack cash, and feel like I was winning at the game of life – but, in truth, I was perpetuating a toxic paradigm that I eventually crashed and burned from.

Instead of confronting the power of my sexual energy and drive with reverence, I would go to orgies and fuck to numb out. I would deny myself the very thing I most deeply wanted, and use my sexuality to manipulate and retaliate or numb out like a fuck boy.

But regardless of tasting the depths of what I truly craved, I’d kept going the way I was going – playing cool, playing tough, numbing out, staying callus and keeping my heart buried under the cement of those hollow pats on the head. 

But eventually, it all came to a crashing halt.

We all hit a point in our life when denying the truth of what we want can no longer hold. It’s like a dam that finally breaks, making way for the waters of truth to come gushing out – and that’s what happened for me.

There I was, crying on the bathroom floor (as the best of us do regularly), feeling unable to release the grip of this conditioning and I prayed.

I know what you’re thinking – no, I’d never really been a good Catholic school girl – but at that moment, I felt myself split, exhausted from living a double life, and willing to finally surrender to a power bigger than me in a way I never had before.

My prayer was so simple: I need you to show me.

This moment of surrender was the moment everything changed.

I didn’t just say yes to my path, I also called in a new Daddy altogether.

Oh lost one, 

Strip the adornments of the above…

They have no place here. 

Look down. 

I lead now. 

For this is the ceremony. 

The efforts are fruitless. 

For you have been looking

In all the misguided places. 

On your knees. 

Be humbled by Truth – 

May none of your portraits remain. 

The keys to locked doors 

Are no where up there –

Descend now and look deep within.

Love, Your Shepherdess of the Dark