I was a hot sexy mess.

Picture me, a Catholic high school student in Brooklyn, NY – uniform and all, on the honor roll and in all AP classes, enjoying the random street dance battle whenever it presented itself, yet still breaking  all the rules.

I colored my hair blue, got all the piercings, had curled acrylic tips, dated a rock star who would pick me up in his Ford Taurus, made out with closeted lesbians in the bathroom, played with gender bending at drag clubs in the lower east side of NYC, snuck out to smoke Newports (only the baddest and coolest, obvi), and got high before AP Calculus so I could do my math with “a beautiful mind” vibes.

I was smart, and driven, and also: a wild one.

On some level, my rebel would never be contained, yet contained she was. 

My first boyfriend was crazy about me – to the point that the relationship became wildly controlling and psychologically oppressive but at the time, I didn’t know any better.

The real problem was… monogamy was never for me, but that was quite a hard adjustment in a world that automatically expects that of us. 

So, what did I do? I cheated on him left and right.

Luckily, my next partner was down for non-monogamy in a beautiful way.

But back then, we were still the freaks and weirdos at college. There were no books, there were no podcasts…. Which, looking back now, just let us say “fuck it, what do WE want?” We designed our relationship how WE wanted without anyone else's opinions.

We were together for 5 amazing years, until an intense spiritual experience with another lover broke me (and in turn us). It was raw and cosmic and powerful so confusing.  I had ZERO fucking context for it.

Now, I know better. But it took a couple of messy affairs to really learn that lesson and what it meant for me.

Fast forward to mid-20s era, and I had started fucking a co-worker of mine.

Taboo, yes. But hot as fuck? Also yes.

We were both emotionally underdeveloped (unavailable fuck-boys?), but we also felt deeply for each other. I didn’t realize quite how deeply. Until he brought a woman he was dating to a social work function. 

Enter: my messy reactions.

AKA: hooking up with his date in the bathroom while he hung out by the bar with our other co-workers. Like any normal human, she was riddled with guilt, darted out and told him… and I crashed and burned, spilling all of my feelings right there on the table.

I saw red,  swung at him, and connected with his jaw. Oops. 

After getting dragged out by the bouncer, I went home and hit my rock bottom.

You hot sexy mess, 

I know what lives inside

What bulges from your soul 

Pressing against your chest… 

Yearning 

To be received. 

I know what lives inside 

What drips from your mind

Wetting all your tips… 

Begging 

To be met. 

I know what lives inside

What you desperately pray 

No one will ever find…

Aching 

To be held. 

Love, Your Siren